johnlinkmovies

I almost didn’t even bother writing about this movie. It’s the worst I’ve ever seen, pushing aside the previous record holder GOING OVERBOARD.

Three dumb fucking losers, who your root for to die in the first thirty seconds, get a house in LA where they assume they will have a big party and screw women. But it’s haunted. Actually, saying it’s haunted is an insult to even the worst movies with haunted houses.

Look, I know this was supposed to be ‘horror-comedy’ but the problem was that it was neither scary for a second or funny for half a second. I’m the guy who digs EVIL DEAD and PHANTOMS and I laughed at the Brad Pitt movie CUTTING CLASS once or twice. But KILLER PAD is worse than shit.

To give some perspective, I always considered my ranking system as a scale from 1-10. I broke out the zero for this one. Furthermore, I had never, in three plus years of rankings movies before, given anything a 1 in any category. I always found something that was worthy of a 2. Just keep that in mind as you read the rankings…

I watched KILLER PAD (2008) on 1.13.09. It was the first (and last) time I’d watch it. Usually I tell people to get drunk and watch a movie like this. Even drunk, this is a waste of time. Anyway…

NOTE: THIS RANKING UTILIZES THIS SITE’S ORIGINAL SYSTEMIC ARTICLE WRITING METHOD. THE METHOD BY WHICH THE RANKINGS WERE ARRIVED AT, HOWEVER, REMAINS THE SAME.

FILM

Horrible direction, characters who you hate, blatant objectification of women, worthless morality. I gave this movie a chance cause it was on FEAR NET and I wanted something short to watch and it was directed by Robert Englund. Even his bad horror movies are funny bad. God, I wish I could have my hour and a half back. The only reason this does not get a zero is because it was edited in a way that it had a (shitty) beginning, (shitty) middle, and a (shitty) end. You could tell what was going on, even if you didn’t want to. SCORE: 1

MOVIE

Make me laugh, even once, and I’d give you a point here. Surprise me with some scare that I didn’t see coming, and I’d give you a point. Thus, SCORE: 0.

ACTING

If I were a casting director I would have the cast list taped to my wall. If anybody associated with acting in this film was sent in for consideration for a part I was choosing, I’d immediately throw their pic-and-res in the trash. SCORE: 0

WRITING

This does not get a zero only because there were one or two jokes that might have been funny if the actors hadn’t ripped it out of the script and shit on it with bad acting. But, otherwise, nothing happened at all in the screenplay that was not formulaic and obvious. I’d hire the writers of fecal matter like DATE MOVIE or MEET THE SPARTANS before I optioned the writer of this thing to write something. SCORE: 1

FINAL TALLY

FILM: 1; MOVIE:0; ACTING:0; WRITING:1

1+0+0+1+0 = 2

SCORE: 0.5.  Don’t watch this unless death is the alternative.

~ by johnlink00 on January 13, 2009.

Posted in johnlink poops on, ~ K ~, ~~~ 2008 ~~~
Tags: comedy, horror