johnlink ranks SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006)

SNAKES ON A PLANE was something I was always interested in seeing, but never got around to. I think I may have even tried to watch it once after a night out, but fell asleep before it really got going. For whatever reason, I finally got to it now. Sadly, I have to put it on my list of movies which weren’t as good as I hoped.

SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006) is a movie about snakes on a plane. I watched it on 3.12.09. It was my first viewing of the film.

NOTE: THIS RANKING UTILIZES THIS SITE’S ORIGINAL SYSTEMIC ARTICLE WRITING METHOD. THE METHOD BY WHICH THE RANKINGS WERE ARRIVED AT, HOWEVER, REMAINS THE SAME.

FILM

I feel like I have to keep prefacing my lower scores with this same disclaimer that I’m not some highbrow movie snob. I love me some ARMY OF DARKNESS. More recently, I enjoyed SHOOT EM UP for its over-the-topness. But I just couldn’t quite get there with SNAKES ON A PLANE. It’s almost like it was trying to go for so-bad-its-good. Instead, it was so-mediocre-that-its-bad. Everything about it felt half-assed and half-done. From the writing to the directing to the music. SCORE: 2

MOVIE

Again, not as much fun as the title promises. Plus, the one great bad-movie moment, Samuel L’s “I’m sick and tired of these motherfuckin snakes…” is ruined for me by the fact that I heard it about 308,954 times before the movie was even released. I just kept finding myself getting bored. See, action movies like this from the 80s had a swagger, and they didn’t care if they sucked. They were gonna look badass doing it. SNAKES ON A PLANE took itself a little bit to seriously to ever get there. SCORE: 4

ACTING

Surprisingly, the acting wasn’t this movie’s weakest point. By no means was it good, but I was surprised that it wasn’t terrible. SCORE: 5

WRITING

It’s said that Samuel L. took the part when he read the title, and that he never read the script. Makes sense. The biggest problem for me… why didn’t all those people go up to first class right away? Isn’t that the first thing you do? Why does that concept get drawn out for twenty minutes? Also… what’s with cutting away from the plane to the FBI guy on the ground trying to find the anti-venom with the doctor? If you’re trying to go for realism, just give up. The only interesting stuff happened on the plane. SCORE: 3

BONUS

Here it is… the negative bonus. This happens when something about the movie is so bad that it detracts from everything else. In this case it’s the fake snakes which get the nod in SNAKES ON A PLANE. Or, as I’ve come to think of it, CGI SNAKES ON A COMPUTERIZED PLANE. This movie looked like shit on my little TV. I can’t imagine how it looked on the big screen. It’s sad that the biggest jump I got was when Samuel L. is moving around in a small compartment and a hose falls behind him. It looked more like a snake then the CGI snakes did. That’s sad. Never once did I feel queasy or uneasy due to the digital venomous villains. SCORE: -1.

FINAL TALLY

FILM: 2; MOVIE: 4; ACTING: 5; WRITING: 3; BONUS: -1

2+4+5+3-1 = 13

FINAL SCORE: 3.25

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~ by johnlink00 on March 12, 2009.

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