johnlink ranks ALONE IN THE DARK (2005)

Setting aside my affinity for the SILENT HILL flick, video games have been easily the worst source material for movies over the last decade. IFC was running ALONE IN THE DARK, and I thought it couldn’t be completely terrible if IFC found it worth airing. I’m not sure why I believed this possible despite the trifecta of A) Being a video game movie, B) starring Tara Reid, and C) being directed by Uwe Boll (who butchered such films as HOUSE OF THE DEAD, IN THE NAME OF THE KING, and BLOODRAYNE).

I watched ALONE IN THE DARK (2005) on 11.3.11. It was my first (and last) viewing of the film.

This was worse than a train wreck from which you are unable to avert your eyes. At least in the train wreck, you may learn something about the delicacy of life, or structural integrity of trains, or…or… something.

The visual aesthetic is that of a British television show with zero budget. The frame rate and fluidity of motion would be familiar to watchers of the BBC, but I’m not sure the BBC is currently airing anything this unwatchable .

We start the film with a multi-paragraph scroll which was either intentionally long as to be a parody of the STAR WARS openings, or intentionally long because the filmmakers all think we are stupid. It turns out to be the latter, as everything in the minutes-long opening turns out to be ‘information’ (and I use that word lightly) which we later are given in the ‘plot’ (I use that word even more lightly).

The movie seems confused as to whether it is an X-FILES type story, a PITCH BLACK type story, or a CARRIE type story. Ultimately, it is just a shitty type of story which never finds any sort of identification.

Who thought it would be good to cast Tara Reid in this? She is really terrible. But it’s not entirely her fault since she is asked to pretend (seriously) that her boyfriend is Christian Slater, and there is zero chemistry whatsoever. Despite the fact that he is only six years older than she is in real life, they feel like they are a generation apart in this film.

The CGI, which Boll apparently used most of his budget on, is terrible. The first shot of the monster reminded me, I’m not joking, of the brutal stop-motion work in GHOST BUSTERS when Rick Moranis is being chased around the city. The CGI should be world’s better. It’s brutal.

The music is disjointed and doesn’t fit the film, especially in a pointless love scene. This is especially disappointing since the end credits roll over a Nightwish song, and I really like Nightwish.

I mean, there’s not much left to say. Terrible writing, terrible acting, terrible filmmaking, and barely watchable for even something to make fun of. Avoid this at all costs. Watch anything else you can rather than this movie. Still, somehow, not the worst movie I’ve ranked on here. That still, and always, will go to KILLER PAD.



Negative bonus point for horrendous use of CGI.



~ by johnlink00 on November 4, 2011.

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