johnlink ranks THE BAY (2012)

I had no idea THE BAY was directed by Barry Levinson until after I finished the movie and read some (surprisingly positive) reviews. So, THE BAY is a derivative found-footage horror flick directed by the guy who made DINER, RAIN MAN, and SLEEPERS. Got it.

the-bay-movie-woman-covered-in-blisters-boils

I watched THE BAY (2012) on 3.28.14. It was my first viewing of the film.

THE BAY tells the story of some giant parasitic things eating through fish and then people. It is all done through found footage in a horribly contrived way which never explains how our guide, a reporter, got all the footage. The script is terrible, no real climax develops, and the acting is not good.

This movie is so bad that I started making a list of thoughts two minutes in because I could feel just how awful it was going to be. I was disappointed. This movie is so bad that I’m not even going to write a real article. Instead, I’m just going to pull from that list. Enjoy!

-Weak opening

– 0 for the first 5 minutes of the film. This is bad.

– Found Footage with blow out images. This is 2012! Where is the movie quality?!?

– Solid editing in the first suspense scene. 9 and a half minutes in. (Note: This would be the last good thing I wrote).

– An Eco-spy website which looks like it was designed in 1998. I think the budget for this movie was negative twenty dollars.

– Condemning of environmental complacency. We get it. Move on.

– Where the hell did all this found footage come from?

– 20 minutes in. Is this going to progress beyond an outbreak movie? It is all passive danger.

-ACTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– The voiceover narrating what we see starts every scene by saying that so-and-so person ‘was’ named Diane (or whatever). You kill all tension when you announce in every scene that someone is about to die.

– How did she get webcam footage form inside the CDC?!?!?!?

– “Humor” = “Making fun of a French accent”.  Got it.

– (Chicken shit)  x  (nuclear activity) = AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

–  “He died”… “She didn’t make it”… “Whole family died”… “Nobody got off that bridge”…   for the love of God just SHOW us something! Stop telling us what is about to happen, especially if you never show us anything!!

– Does this movie still really have no villain?

– 49 minutes. Gunshots and a scream… Is something actually going to happen?!?

-56 minutes. Nope. Still boring.

– Just accidentally hit the stop button on my DVR. Conan rerun came on. Made a joke about how NBC is running the Olympics and its the only time that NBC successfully had a passing of the torch. Nice Leno dig. Funniest and most entertaining thing that’s happened. Do I really have to watch the rest of the movie?

– 56 minutes. Back on. Acting still really bad.

– Hey character! I was already told you are going to die. Why should I care about your story line still?

– This movie doesn’t earn anything.

– This is the worst movie in the found footage genre. And that is saying something.

– I don’t care about a single character except for a baby they have shown three times.

– Night shots. Poor video quality. Can’t see anything.

– These steroid chicken shit sea parasites are not scary. Especially when we usually only see them under a microscope.

– This place is filled with dead bodies. Some outbreak obviously happened. GET BACK ON YOUR GODDAMN BOAT YOU IDIOTS! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOUR BABY!?!?!?!!?

– 20 minutes left. Please let this end.

– I hate to shit on any movie this much. But this is just void of reason.

– Of course the only black guy in the movie is the one who goes crazy and kills his boss and himself in the movie’s only real malicious act.

– We got it over an hour ago. It’s a bad parasite and everyone died. You already told us this twenty times.

– Suddenly one guy gets infected faster than everyone else at the end for dramatic effect. Sure. Why not. Not like there is any integrity to ruin at this point.

– Government bureaucratic failure as a theme. Sure. Why not.

– Holy crap! Ending worse than I thought it could be! This just sucks!

 

Moral of the story: Don’t see this movie.

SCORES

FILM: 2; MOVIE: 3; ACTING: 2; WRITING: 1; BONUS: -1

Worst use of found footage in the current horror cycle, both in logic of the footage and in quality of the footage.

2+3+2+1-1=7

FINAL SCORE: 1.75

 

 

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~ by johnlink00 on March 28, 2014.

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